Danger in the leaves…

Authorities are warning leaf-rakers in the north-central KY to be on the lookout for a man-eating tarp. Last spotted in the Shelbyville area, it approaches from the rear and quickly engulfs it’s victim before anyone can react. This poor soul, for instance, was gobbled up in a matter of seconds; rescuers only recovered the boots and a few tuffs of hair. The tarp apparently slinks along the ground on the edges of a yard, and jumps out from behind when the raker is walking away. One expert on the subject of man-eating tarps has done some research which suggests that if rakers periodically swing their arms in a circle above their heads and “woop-woop” like wild savages, the disoriented tarp will wander into the nearest ravine and get tangled up in the bushes.

A reward is being offered for the capture of this particular tarp. If and when it is spotted, everyone should immediately surround it, wave their arms frantically, woop in their most frightening voices and keep up the din while someone else calls 911 on their cell phone. If, while waiting for the police, it approaches anyone in an aggressive manner, all present must join hands, howl like wolves and stomp on the tarp with all of their collective feet. Since it can only swallow one victim at a time, this will stun it and prevent a disastrous outcome.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.